Respect. Men crave it, even when they don't deserve it!
Welcome to the leading where it matters podcast, the podcast for dads who lead. Not every leader is a dad, but all dads are called to lead. If you are a father who wants to lead well at work and home — then this is the podcast for you!
Today’s episode is called MEN CRAVE RESPECT, EVEN WHEN THEY DON’T DESERVE IT.
It’s for dads who feel a lack of respect at home, or perhaps the relationship with your partner is a bit funky and you’re trying to work out why.
If that’s you then this episode is for you — Let’s get into it.
Listen, Society doesn’t talk a lot about respect anymore - especially at home - when it comes to home we talk a lot about love - but I think that when we are talking about needing to feel loved we are often actually talking about how people need to feel respected.
Society tells us about this magical feeling of love — but it’s easy to say I love you without making an effort to make people feel valued.
And at a societal level - Women are rightfully fighting for a sense of equality with men - after an eternity of feeling unequal.
But at the same time it's no longer safe for men to talk about their need for respect.
And so we live in this funky time when nobody is talking about respect.
Every day, relationships are ending, simply for a lack of respect.
We couple based on our compatibility - but all end up crying out for respect.
Just think about how many arguments because you are just misunderstood or something was said that just felt so disrespectful.
And these arguments are with people who love us. The issue isn’t a lack of love it’s a lack of respect.
Men feel it when they’re told they’re not doing a good enough job.
Women feel it when they’re not heard and understood.
Teens feel it when they’re not trusted and given more freedom.
This is happening everywhere, everyday.
The world is crying out for respect — men, women and children — we all need it.
We often don’t know it’s the missing ingredient because it’s not something we talk about any more.
In fact in many cases it’s unsafe to ask for respect - certainly if you’re a man. But it doesn’t change the fact that men crave respect - even if they don’t deserve it.
And when it comes to our children – we don’t dream about raising kids who hate us in their teen years. Although parents often joke about this inevitability.
But you can’t aim for that. Nobody intentionally raises kids who hate them.
What we all want — is to raise adult children who respect us, and with whom we have a great relationship.
That’s the dream – the respect of our adult children.
But men - the problem is - even though the dream is to live a life of respect.
Even though the dream is to raise kids who respect us as adults.
The problem is what we let get in the way of the dream which is — a better car, more money, bigger toys and even the girl next-door.
Many men go to work to find purpose – which can also be a distration from the real meaning in life - those in their homes.
Plenty mistakes are made - trying to find meaning.
Leadership author Andy Stanley say’s it this way.
We all want a thing or a fling, but what we all really, really want, is the respect of our adult children.
That’s the dream – a home full of love and respect.
But what we do, is we let our fantasies get in the way of our dreams.
And what we do - is we let our wants get in the way of what we really, really want.
Which is respect.
We all want to live big lives. We aspire to be much more then we are - to grow, lead and succeed.
But the biggest dream of all is a life of respect and the biggest life of all is one that earns the respect of those in our homes.
And I think this is a universal challenge for men and women - we all want more respect.
So men - what can you do about that today?
I don’t care about what been done, what mistakes have been made or even how perfect you think you are – what can you be doing better today to create an environment of respect.
You see there is one thing great leaders do. When you study great leaders you’ll find there’s one thing they are all trying to do at least subconsciously – they are trying to create places of respect – at work and home.
Think about all the leadership books and studies of great leaders – they may not all talk about this – but underlying the premise of great leadership is this idea that they are trying to create places of respect.
And the very best leaders are trying to do this at home, as well as work.
Because we all want our homes to be a place where we feel valued.
Places where we have value are places we can relax. They are places of peace.
And whilst some of you will be enjoying that right now - many of you won’t be - and in fact for many you it’s all fallen over and it all just feels super messy.
And so the question today is what can we be doing today to create environments full of love and respect?
Do the people who work around you feel valued and respected by you?
Does your wife or partner feel valued and respected by you?
How about your kids? – In a world that is telling them they are no good – are you are one speaking life into their world.
Leaders create environments of respect – and if you want to lead well– you have to be the one creating these environments.
The one leading in your home – or in your workplace – is the one working to create a place of value and respect.
Now I know there are some of you men listening who are saying - hang on, no matter what I do - I never get any respect – I’m the one not feeling valued.
And that’s the challenge Because the big thing with respect is it’s reciprocal. If you love your partner well she will respect you back.
That’s not always the case – but if your women is a good willed women – if she’s still committed to the relationship – if she is engaged – and not too distracted herself - but she’s not showing you respect – it’s probably at least partly because she’s not feeling respected in return.
It’s also possible that she has no idea how to make you feel valued – and society has likely made her wary of showing you any respect.
In in age where it’s not safe or good to respect men it’s possible she knows she loves you and thinks that should be enough – she shouldn’t have to respect you as well.
I think some women think it’s ok to love you without respecting you.
It’s like society teachers her - hey, he’s an idiot. Don’t worry about him - as long as you love him you don’t need to respect him.
And ladies - if you are listening - that is just planely wrong - I can tell you. If he doesn’t feel respected by you, he is certainly not feelking loved by you. And if you genuinely don’t respect him then there really is a problem in your relationship and it’ll explain why he’s probably giving you no love and respect in return.
Love and respect are connected - they are one thing.
You show love by giving respect and to respect someone is to show them love.
And so men, I’d really encourage you to invite your women to listen to this podcast as well. Because most women actually want to do this relationship stuff better.
And they also need to reminded that your need to feel valued and respected is as strong as hers — and it’s good for women to understand is that the funky thing with men is that we crave respect, even when we don’t deserve it — and we’re often blind to why we don’t deserve it.
We’re a bit dumb like that – we wonder why there’s no respect without wondering too much about what we can do better to deserve it.
Men and women – we both need to do this respect thing better.
We all forget that respect is reciprocal – we give respect when we feel respected.
But someone has to lead. Someone has to be the first to speak value into the other persons life.
So who’s going to be the leader in your home today?
Men, if you’re thinking that could be you, I want to show you how.
If you want to be the leader in your home today I’m going to help you today by giving you my 3 steps to respect.
I’m going to be bold enough to say that if you do these 3 things, your women will feel more respected and because respect is reciprocal your entire home will begin to feel more respectful.
So let’s get into it.
This one is pretty simple – you need to know that whilst loving her well has almost nothing to do with saying I love you – you still need to tell her you love her. So go home and tell her you love her tonight!
Know that words are cheap and to show someone you love them you have to actually work out how to make them feel valued. So that’s step 2 – go home and ask you women – I love you but how can I make you feel more valued?
Now what I really recommend here is making time for this – that’s not a question you ask in the kitchen – it’s one you ask on date night or in some moment that you have alone time with her – yeah – it’s a great question for date night- say something like - you have so much value to me but how can I make you feel more valued?
I want you to remember this idea of Hearing & Caring – Hearing & Caring, Hearing & Caring. Lock and load this idea and you’ll do well.
What us men almost all need to do better is hearing and caring. Men, women, children, but particularly our women – they won’t to be listened to and understood – which requires hearing and caring.
Now, they don’t want to be listened to and fixed. They want to be listened to and understood.
I know, it doesn’t make any sense right – you think they would tell you stuff that they want you to fix. So that you can fix stuff. That’s what we want to do is fix things.
But no, that’s not what she wants – she just wants you to understand. It doesn’t make any sense but it is what it is.
Now it’s not always the case – but it’ll be like 95 – 99% of the time she’ll be telling you about her day, about what happened at work or what the kids did and just telling you everything that went wrong and what this kid did and that person did and you’ll be like right lets fix this – did you try that or you should do this – and the problem is when you do that – she is not feeling listened to and understood.
What she wants you to do is to hear and to care – which just means hearing and caring.
So the trick is not to try and fix her.
You just need to kind of stand there and show empathy – it’s a weird idea that doesn’t really take any effort but they strangely like it.
Occasionally she will want you to engage with one of the kids and to fix something – but she won’t actually tell you – she won’t be that direct – she won’t be that obvious.
And this respect thing is so tricky because you’re thinking am I hearing and Caring or am I hearing & Fixing? And why am I being yelled at right now.
All I can say – is that in observing many men and many relationships, it seems that on the balance of probabilities it’s safer to default to hearing and caring and almost be surprised when she actually wants you to fix something.
I struggle with this a lot – because I have this activator thing in me – and when I’m told about a problem I just have to fix it and I have to fix it now.
So I get how difficult hearing and caring is. But I promise you – if you initiate step 3 – hearing & caring – and if you do it every day – if you make it a priority – something that you both do daily – everything changes at home.
I guarantee it.
I care about this so much – I have a post on my website called the daily download that shows you how to implement hearing & caring into your home every day – because you are not hearing & caring unless you care enough to do it each day.
But men the other thing I have a is a weekly email for men just like you and me and it’s full of content like this to challenge and inspire us to lead well at work and at home.
I know you crave respect - even when you don’t deserve it and I want to give you weekly inspiration that helps you lean into a life of respect a bit more each day. - does that sound good?
That’s it from me. I’m out of here and I’ll see you next time
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